Wednesday, February 04, 2009

It Is Late..

.. and I am up. 
I am scared to fall asleep. There is something that has been bothering me lately. Someone or something in my dreams, or should I call them my nightmares. I fall asleep, everything seems to go well. I dream of something, something nice and beautiful. Suddenly I see signs that It's coming. I know in my dreams that something is about to happen, so I keep an open eye on everything. My dream turns into a nightmare when that thing appears. It just comes from nowhere and scares me a lot. In my sleep I choke. My heart beats faster, everything around me disappears, they either go away or just don't do anything to help me when It comes. I start to breathe faster. I feel a pressure in my chest. I can't see it, but I feel it. I want to wake up, so I start to move my body. I tell myself to wake up, It's here, please wake up. In my sleep I speak to my mind. This thing is scary. Right now this is my biggest fear. To fall asleep and meet It. There is nothing I can do to make it go away. Why are you after me? Is it something I've done to make you angry? I can't talk to it, because when It's there all I want is to wake up. This thing wants to kill me. I am afraid that if I don't wake up I'll choke to death, and what really scares me is that I don't know if I'll just die in my sleep or if I'll actually die in real life. I am scared.

Once I wanted to face it. I didn't want myself to wake me up. I wanted to sleep. I needed to know the answer, I needed to know if I would die in the end. So again I fell asleep, and again I could feel it coming. My body started to feel a pressure. As if my skin vibrated, and I was cold. But I couldn't do it. I woke up. Now I'll never know. Because I am so afraid I can't help myself from waking up. Even if I am all prepared to face it, my mind eventually gives up and I find my self awake in my bed all shaken up and terrified. My heart beats, my forehead is wet, my feet ice cold and I go straight to my mom. There is a pattern. I sleep, I feel it and I always wake up between 3am and 4am. 
I am scared to death, I am confused and afraid to sleep again. I don't want to relive the same thing again. I want it to stop. Please stop.

1 comment:

  1. There's always a time when you feel like everything seems to be a burden on you. There's always a time when you feel like "enough is enough." But those are the times when you have to be stronger than usual. I'm sure those nightmares will pass. Look at the bright side of things and cheer yourself up:) Listen to some nice songs, drink something refreshing (water could even work) and play the guitar as you wonderfully as you always do...