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Sunday, January 03, 2010

Alcoholic

He is an alcoholic. That's the truth. It feels so good to finally write it down. Sometimes it's OK and I can deal with it, but only sometimes, maybe a few times, when I don't give a damn about him. Most of the time it's not OK and I cannot stand it. I cannot stand him like that, watching him, listening to him. At times I just want to scream and pull every single hair on my head out. It makes me angry, sad, disappointed, alone, fatherless. I just want to punch a whole in a wall, that's how bad I get. The saddest part is that he has been like this for as long as I can remember. When he is drunk, I cannot control it and I cannot change it. I will never be able to change him, never will he change for me. I realize that now.

His drinking seems to be sort of a subset of his general mental problems, at least that's what I think. He has no real relationship with his siblings, his mother and father died, socially he is a mock, our relationship is a sinking ship. Deep inside I see his real personality, struggling to fight this monster, but he is to weak. He is alone, and he know he is alone, so he surrenders. I love him so, but I also happen to dislike him. I really do. Just want to hit him in the face, scream and cry my heart out. Tell him how much I miss being with him, doing stuff, being a child. Tell him how much I love him but hate what the alcohol does to him.

I want him to stop and start being a father again. I really sincerely want him to stop. I'm hurting.

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